Thursday, November 7, 2013

When all you do is fall.

It will be my 4 year anniversary for my accident on Nov 9th. I also consider it my birthday because I did die and come back on this day in 2009.

   I have mixed feelings about all that I've "accomplished" I am so very unhappy and alone, lost, hoping to find a direction, another lost soul mayhaps, to come with me into this unsure future.

  I have been looking for a place to move, kinda want to move into the country, mountains. Away from people, being alone isn't so bad if you just are alone. Whenever you meet someone that maybe has that special thing you are looking for. The time you spend with them, only if for a moment undoes any bit you are content with being alone. Meeting someone who you think has what it takes is something special. But rarely do dreams come true, and again I'm alone, but now with all the malcontent I can handle. I only hope I find something far away, where I can enjoy my solitude, maintain my health, sculpt my body, pursue my hobbies, spend time with my animals, time with my thoughts.

I really think that I'm meant to be alone, especially now that my tbi has really screwed me up for anyone.

Today was what I hope will happen for me in life. Started off nice, got rainy and crappy, but the sun is peeking out and the day may turn around. I've talked of suicide and thought about it more times than I want to think about. The reality is that I want to see how this shit show turns out for me. Will I turn it around? Will I be sucking dicks for crack under a bridge? We will see.

  I'm gonna go to a comedy show tonight and laugh and have a good time, forget the misery which this is now.

Listening to November rain, seems like a good day for such.

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